My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
