Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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