my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Bring me that man meat
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
