just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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