someone threw a dead crab at me
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
