So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
