I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
