So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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