Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
