I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just want nice things and good sex
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
