Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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