I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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