I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
