remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
