im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
