then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Sex in the backyard? Check.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
