just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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