Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
