Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
