Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
