my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Randomize
