Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
