She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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