Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
