i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dicks are not precious.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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