I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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