i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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