John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
