Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
