Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My liver just broke up with me...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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