just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
