I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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