my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
