I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
