He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
