Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Can I color on your dick again?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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