Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
