I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
