If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
