She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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