Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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