He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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