it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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