It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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