you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
