I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
