he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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