I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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