you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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