Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
